When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
