Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
even my farts smell like vagina
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
what the fuck happened to the tacos
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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