just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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