yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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