i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
