I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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