in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Rumble strips road head = magical
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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