did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Randomize
