tonight lets celebrate not being married
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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