Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
