my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
you had me at cake vodka
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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