I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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