when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
