Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
