I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
