We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
