her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
