i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
