yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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