i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
