She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
