I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
