Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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