It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I am naked and annoyed.
Randomize
