i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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