I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize