I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
