he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
