I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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