Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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