Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
