So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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