I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
