ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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