You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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