my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
