he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I have post one night stand depression
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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