this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
