I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
