i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
