I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
