i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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