i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
