Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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