Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize