After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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