just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
