Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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