Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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