I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
