I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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