ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
