like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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