Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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