I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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