I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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