I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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