i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
