it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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