So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize