walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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