You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
