You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
